Copywriting Virus!

I’ve seen it again…

The world’s worst headline.

I’ve been seeing this menace rear it’s head now for 18 years. This virus-like headline must have been designed in a top secret, “Black” laboratory to kill the sales of a very specific class of business person: The Local Retailer.

I think that if any business person other than a retailer reads this headline their immune system would attack and kill it. But, for some reason local retailers have no immunity. None. And the newest retailers, like new infants, most often have their sales fall victim to it.

Here it is…

“Watch us Grow!”

What’s wrong with this headline? For heaven’s sake, what’s not wrong with it!?

First, it’s a business centered not customer centered.

Second, it offers a prospective customer no benefits, advantages…not even a feature. It’s 100% a “look at me!” headline. Think of a young child playing on the jungle gym and trying to capture a parents attention… “Daddy, Mommy, watch me!”

Third, it’s worse than not having a call to action. It calls one to a negative, passive action… “Watch”. Not “Buy”, “Visit”, “Come inside”, “Take a peek”. No, this one tells them to just drive buy and “Watch”.

I remember the first time I saw this. I had a client who was a purveyor of high-end furniture to the rich and famous. On our first meeting he pulled open a file, pulled out this headline he’d seen a competitor down the street, and said..

Him: “Listen to this… ‘Watch us Grow!’. Isn’t that great? I want to get it put on banner and signs to put out on the street. And I want to mail it on postcards. I think it will be terrific. What do you think?

Me: “Uhhh….”

Who are the “Carrier Monkeys” of this copywriting virus?

I’m afraid this one is Airborne. I’ve seen ad agencies recommend it to their clients. I’ve seen retailers drive through another shopping district and instantly catch it. I’ve seen copywriters (their names be cursed) recommend it with enthusiasm.

So, with an airborne virus this dangerous to retail profits, what steps can we take to stop it? Short of a benefit concert with the popular rock bands of the moment, I think there are a few steps to immunize one’s self and clients.

1. Education: Open a book on proven copy principles by Hopkins, Caples, Olgivy etc. Learn what’s been proven to work in the past from a principle level.

2. Only hire ad and copy and marketing talent with a track record of creating results – not lots of ads. These “results focused” ad persons and copywriters are not easy to find. But keep looking. Find one and you’ll find a treasure store of new sales and profits.

3. Stop attending the “monkey see, monkey do” school of advertising. You would be stunned at how clueless your business competitors and their ad agencies are at understanding what it takes to use advertising and marketing to create a sale. You really would. So, stop copying them. To break yourself of the habit, refer to #1 above.

4. Finally, if you are a copywriter… Master your craft. Please. There is NO excuse to pass viruses like the above on to your customers. There is too much scientific evidence left behind by great masters on the trail-of-craft, like bread crumbs, for you to follow to ever, ever spread this virus again.

5. Share your own examples of headline and copywriting viruses by clicking on the comments link below.