Okay, I didn’t want to go here…
…But I recently observed a telemarketing company trying to sell using guarantees - without first building value for the prospects.
I’ve also recently read a few websites attempting to do the same thing. So, I’m being forced, against my will, to pull out my “Dog Crap” analogy.
So, here goes… How to mess up the use of guarantees and free offers:
Salesperson: “Hey, I’ve got some dog crap I’ll sell you for $20 bucks”.
Prospect: “No Thanks.”
Salesperson: “C’mon, this is some great crap!”
Prospect: “Ummm… No thanks”.
Salesperson: “I tell you what, I’ll give this crap to you for half off!”
Prospect: “Really, I’m not so interested.”
Salesperson: “I’ll throw in a special bonus report on the history of dog crap.”
Prospect: “You know, still not interested.”
Salesperson: “Tell you what, not only will I give you a special air tight container - FREE!!!! - in which to hold the dog crap, but I’ll Guarantee it!!! You have this dog crap to use for a full year, that’s 360 days or I’ll give your money back. Plus, the airtight container is yours to keep - as my way of saying thanks for giving my dog crap a try.”
Prospect: “No Thanks - Have a nice day”
Forgive that horrid analogy, but I see so many people selling crap, without building value for it, and then trying to cover up bad smelling selling with guarantees and free offers.
What? You want me to build value for dog crap?
Okay…
if you’ve ever had a flower garden or know someone that has, I’ve got some information that will give you the power to create a Garden-of-Eden in less than 30 days.
You see, a lot of folks don’t know that all fertilzers aren’t created equal. You’ve probably never thought about it before but, most fertilizer comes from grass feeding animals - namely cows.
However, dogs, eat protein. Therefore their crap is densely packed with the nitrates and nutrients your plants and flowers crave. These unique nutrients are so powerful that the University of Davis Agriculture Department discovered that it causes plants to grow 30% faster.
Here’s what this means to you…
You’ll have lush plants and flaming flowers, and full, red roses you can’t even buy in the store - so deep in red, so fragrant they’ll be the envy of your neighbors. You’re friends and neighbors don’t know your secret - but you will – “Dog Crap”.
But there is a problem. Two actually..
First, dogs are not grown on farms in the hundreds-of-thousands like cattle. And their “production” doesn’t come in as large units. So, collection and processing is much more expensive.
Secondly, because of the dense concentration of nitrates and other nutrients, dog crap smells more than regular, less effective, fertilizers.
But, we have some solutions that may make it possible for you to both afford and live with this plant growing power house. Let me explain…
First, our dog crap regularly cost $50 a pound. But, since we are just launching our company we are willing to make this offer. Try out our crap for yourself free for 30 days. Then and only then will we even accept a payment from you. And if you refer a friend to us - we’ll give you the crap for only $20 bucks.
You see, we know how lush your plants and garden will look. And we know you are going to get lots of questions from neighbors, friends and relatives wondering how you’ve created a little paradise on earth. So, there’s really no risk on our part to extend this get acquainted offer to you. We know you’ll fall in love with your plants, flowers and gardens (and our crap).
And we know we’ll save thousands and thousands on advertising because of the referrals you send our way. So, its a win, win offer.
Now, remember I mentioned that dog crap smells a bit more than regular fertilizer? Well, we are throwing in a special, airtight container with a built in dispenser that will allow you to fertilize your plants without risking the negative side effects.
So there you have it. You are just 30 days away from living in a lush, deep green Garden of Eden - from being the envy of friends and neighbors.
Simply send us a check, post dated for 30 days from now and we’ll rush your dog crap to you in its special, free, airtight container. Fill out the attached form now. You just drop it in the mail. It won’t even cost you a stamp. And in 5 days you’ll be on your way to a healthy, vibrant, envy creating paradise. Fill the form out now.
Sincerely,
Joe Crowe “The dog poop Guy”
P.S. You may be asking yourself…
Why not just hire some neighbor kids to collect my own dog crap and keep my money? Great Question. Here’s something to consider…
Our dog crap goes through an extensive, 45 day, double-distillation process in which it is combined with special bacteria that break down the molecues.
This makes our dog crap more “bio-available for your plants. What this means to you is that our crap will be about 65% more effective than run-of-the-mill neighborhood crap. And that means your plants, and your neighbors, are greener, faster. Fill the form out today and drop it in the mail.
*****************
Point made…
Look, if you are making the wrong offer to the wrong people, all the guarantees and free trials and bonuses in the world aren’t going to sell your crap.
If you have great crap with great benefits, but don’t dramatize and create desire for them - People won’t buy your crap. “Free” and “Guarantee” only work their magic once desire has been created. Until then, they are powerless.
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4 Responses to “On Dog Crap…And Copywriting…”
November 5th, 2007 at 2:26 pm
I love this post. It really shows you how you can polish a turd which previously was believed to be impossible…
November 26th, 2007 at 4:50 am
Good God was that a funny post! “Dog Crap” for cryin’ out loud. Man, I never leave comments on blogs, but you REALLY put that oh-so-appropriate analogy on a stinkin’ pedistal. Dude, you’re the cat’s ass in copywriting. Thanks for the lesson - and the great laughs!
Izzy
November 26th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
Izzy,
I’ve never been called the “cat’s ass of copy” before. Thanks!
May I send you some swipefile goodies as a thank you gift?
Great comments deserve to be rewarded!
Robert
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:17 pm
OMG that’s fookin’ brilliant. I’m putting it on my wall.
The post, that is. Not the actual crap.
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